Grief and Gratitude Both Live in Me

Feeling Two Ways about One Thing

At this moment I am all right.

This morning I got dressed

in clothes that she had once selected for me,

applied makeup with a steady hand, 

and painted my lips so my smile shines 

brighter,

but grief and gratitude both live with me

and in five minutes I might weep

if a bird flutters 

by the window or I consider wearing 

a necklace she bought me

or I think what I might have done 

differently when she begged me to fix her.

Five minutes later I might smile 

when I enter the front room and notice 

the painting on the wall has shifted

a scant inch to the left.

I can believe that she was here to move it

because it cannot be moved without a firm push,

and it’s not my touch that disturbed it.

Then, in the flash of a thought,

the tears might fall again because I remember

she has not just gone shopping,

or moved to another state--

She won’t be here for Christmas

and who will give me 

earrings and buy me lipstick?

I caught just enough of an NPR piece to have a very basic sense of the "90 second emotion" rule. I understood it to mean that the physiological response to an emotion lasts just 90 seconds. After that, if my initial response lingers, it is because I choose to hang on to the story I've created surrounding that emotion. (I've since looked it up. The concept is explained by scientist Jill Bolte Taylor in a TED talk.)

So lately I've been paying attention to the times when I am overcome with emotion. If I choose to just observe the way my body is awash with grief in that brief minute and a half, just let it pass without creating a story about it, then I can pause when the wave passes and feel gratitude that I can still remember her.

And if I choose to spend longer thinking about her--well, then that's okay, too. It's okay to let grief and gratitude both live in me.